Another Goodbye, Another Countdown

Before we knew it, it was time for Justin to go back overseas.  When a loved one is deployed, you count down the days, waiting and waiting, for that break in the middle.  Doing anything you can to make the days speed along.  Then those scheduled 14 days come, and go far too quickly.   You try to soak in every minute, get in every memory.  But you just can't seem to slow down time.

Early last week, I watched Justin put on his multicam and tan army boots.  I asked if he had everything; chargers, book, toothbrush, contacts, snacks for the flights.  I am always amazed that he can fly half way around the world, living out of a back pack for a week.  If he took all that I actually suggested, he would need two checked bags and a bigger carry on.  I put on my eye makeup, knowing I would be trying to keep it in place all morning.  We silently walked up the stairs, knowing we had so much we wanted to do and say yet, but not near enough time.  We took the boys out of their beds still in their pj's, brought breakfast to go, and headed east.  Rest and Relaxation (R&R) was over.  Our little oasis in the middle of this deployment was over.  Daddy had to go back. 

One last picture.  Justin and I are good at "smile" when someone points a camera at you.  Kids however, they know when they aren't happy.

Jenssen didn't want to take his superman PJ's and cape off, and he wanted a doughnut.  Am I the kind of mom to let my kid wear his PJ top all day, or eat a huge doughnut covered in sugar when he hasn't eaten breakfast?  No.  But you know what bud?  You have to send your daddy away today, you wear that cape as long as you want, and you lick that sugar completely off that pastry. 

 

 I don't get them together a lot, but when I get them together, my heart smiles.  Even when I know it is only for a few more minutes.

We were very lucky and fortunate to have Justin's R&R extended this tour.  After spending 8 days in the hospital with Rowan, it was apparent that most if not all of R&R would be us shuffling between the farm and the hospital, spending time with one boy or the other.  Thankfully we were granted an extension, and we got some more days tagged on the end.  This was a huge blessing, but also made the goodbye harder.  Justin was not a visitor to our routine, he had become a part of it. 

This was a hard week.  R&R, although so needed and enjoyed, seemed like just a little teaser.  It didn't seem fair that I had to send him away, again.  We did a lot during R&R, which meant just about anything I have done this week, makes me remember and miss him.  My heart has been very sad this week, and I hate saying that, I hate admitting that.   I have friends with struggles greater than mine.  I have so much, I just don't happen to have it all with me right now.  I feel greedy for wanting it.  I keep saying in time Tammy, in time.  Ugh, I'm so ready for that time.  This army life is hard, and it sucks.  And it is just getting harder, and it is just sucking more.

So now he is gone, and we are back to counting down the days.  We are back to reading our daddy stories, asking the boys who is in that picture.  I'm back to waiting and waiting for that little green dot to show up next to his name, or having my phone near my hand, hitting the refresh button on my email.

Justin's tour has a few months left.  I play these games in my head.  Only 3 months, only 12 weeks.  90 days.  Whatever I need to tell myself to convince myself that it is right around the corner.  That this deployment will be over soon, and then we can live.  However, as an army wife, I always have that little voice telling me, you can live, until the next one...  What an ugly ugly voice.

However, the sun rose, and already a week is down.  Mid-October, the boys and I will be moving back up to Anchorage.  Justin will continue to be stationed there until the spring.  There are many places we might go, and many places we might end up by then.  But for now what we know is we have tickets bought, Jenssen has plans to "play Hungry Hippos at Mommy's house", I have to make my 6th home to make in 7 years of marriage, old friends to visit, and a soldier to welcome home.  

So now we have a new countdown.  When my dad planted the corn, I explained to Jenssen that when it got "REALLY" tall, daddy would come visit.  So we would look at it, and talk about how it needed to get just a little taller.  Then one day it was tall enough, and daddy was here.  Now, we talk about how the corn has to turn brown, and papa has to use the combine to harvest it, and then we can go see daddy again.  It's been a pretty fitting analogy. 

It is a little bittersweet.  We will get to be our little family again, but we also have to say goodbye to family and friends.  I'm so tired of saying goodbye.  My boys have practically grown up here, and I have so many people to be grateful to for all their help.  This was not an easy year, but it was made easier by you.  So now the race is on, make those memories and make them count.

Thanks for the memories and laughs Bud.  They keep the boys and I going.  Stay safe, and see you soon!