Salsa in the Makin'

Have you ever wondered how to make some kickin' home made salsa?  If you have, read on, I'll teach ya!  If you haven't, read on, my plight takes a funny twist.  If you don't like salsa, read on, you've already started.  If you don't care, read on... you obviously care because you are here!

Step 1: Plant tomatoes

So, first thing is first.  Plant some tomatoes.  This part, I did well.  VERY well.  Like every other time I've planted a garden, I read, but fail to follow, those little directions on the seed packet or plant insert.  Space them 6 feet?  No way, I can get 4x that many plants in this spot!  By July, I'm shaking my head, saying "Tammy!"  So, I had tomatoes. 

I had a plan to make a "salsa garden".  It was such a cute little idea in my head -

   I would plant everything that one would need to plant salsa in one section of the garden.  It would all grow wonderfully, the bugs would stay far away, I would be smiling as I pulled the small weeds that rarely bothered to grow in said space, while the boys played quietly and so nicely in their sand pile near by.  My skin would turn a bronze gold as I sat there in the sun, admiring my work, almost tasting a fiesta in my mouth.  Every day I would glance out at my little patch, eager to go out and check the progress.  I would walk out into a perfect mosquito free morning, in a sun dress with my shaved legs tone from my 2 mile run that morning and smell the fresh rain that fell the night before, negating any need to use the garden hose.  Each day the patch was greener than the last, with blossoms and then fruit growing into state fair award winning varieties of peppers, tomatoes, herbs, and onions. 

Reality....

   I planted everything, but not near each other.  Separated by crazy bug attracting zucchini plants, in a pattern that was a organized as Izzy's day, WAY too close together.  Nothing grew at first.  I didn't have a tomato until August, and nothing was red until nearly September.  My jalapenos are just blossomed 2 weeks ago.  The habaneros still haven't grown a new leaf since I planted them in April.  My dad told me it was a hard year for peppers.  Thanks dad, you always know how to make me feel better.  My bell pepper (the one of 6 that survived the May wind storms) would have been impressive (or so I tell myself) but one day Jenssen brought it to me.  Yes, he brought it to me, dirt still hanging in clumps on the roots, telling me we should move it somewhere else.  When stuff did grow, the bugs enjoyed it.  So much for organic.  I got rid of them quick!  Despite the other peppers failures, my super chili peppers prospered.  More on that later.
  My mornings usually consisted of planning to get into the garden, but after my run with the boys in the stroller, I would get back to the yard and realize if I'm gonna stay one step ahead of these boys, they need to run with me so I'm not the only one exhausted by 9 am.

  We would go out to the garden, and as the boys threw sand at each other or made each other cry, I would sit there, barely able to see them through the jungle that was my tomato plants, telling myself if I didn't get sunscreen on by 10 am I was going to be as red as the tomatoes,  and look at all the weeds growing.  I would tell myself, yea, I'll get those tomorrow.  And instead decide it was getting too buggy, and I needed to shave my legs if I was going to attempt shorts today, and set a sprinkler since it hadn't rained the last 100 years (Can you tell I'm a farmer's daughter when it comes to the rain?)

So, once I had 3 million red tomatoes out there, I decided the salsa making dream could still live on despite the bugs, heat, negligence in directions, and lack of peppers. 


Step 2: Find a recipe or a grandma with a connection to Mexico

This is the point I'd like to say I turned to an old family recipe that has been handed down for generations from my great great Abuela from Mexico.  Well, it isn't going to get to that point.  I'm as German as they get, so off to Walmart I went. 

Such handy little things come in bags ya know! Once I brought the salsa making packet home, it was on.  And official, I was making salsa.  Now, to find a helper.... Aunt Cori!

Step 3: Preparation
If you think making salsa is just something you can whip up before supper, don't fool yourself.  First, you have to pick the tomatoes. And, if you have a TON out there, there will be some rotten ones.  I put all of those in a different bucket.  I read in my garden research this spring you should still get them off the vine so that the plant quits providing nutrients to those and makes more (when I already have so many, why I want it to grow more is beyond me.  I guess I just want my plants to live up to their full potential!)  What was I gonna do with them?  After a frustrating day, throwing tomatoes is a decent de-stresser. 

Once you get all the tomatoes in, remind yourself that this will be fun.  You'll be doing that a lot...

"Mega-mato" was my favorite. 

Step 4: Wash the tomatoes

While out in the garden, I noticed a HUGE hairy spider on one of the tomatoes already in the bucket.  It is important to note things like this while out in the garden, for when you are in your house sticking your hand into that bucket to pull out tomatoes.  I kept imagining this spider on the next tomato I grabbed.  When I got to the bottom of the bucket, I had yet to encounter my nemesis.  I was first relieved, but then realized that there was a good chance he was now free in my kitchen.  He is probably downstairs organizing all the other spiders to gang up on me.

In addition to the tomato washing, there was pepper washing to be done.  These were my super hot chili peppers.  Nothing about these peppers lied.  They are super hot, and they made A LOT of peppers per plant.  Of course, all 6 of these pepper plants thrived.  We won't be eating mild chili for years...

Step 5: Get a cute knife (optional)

Is this not the cutest knife ever?  Not only it is cute, it's amazing.  It is of course a tomato knife (I'm not some knife expert, I'm assuming that by the tomato handle...)  I got it for my dad years ago since he likes sliced tomatoes so much.  However, it really is great for cutting through the skin of a tomato without smashing the inside.  So if you see one (how could you forget what it looks like) remember, it's more than a clever handle.

Step 6: Blanch tomatoes

 At this point I read the directions again (I read them numerous times.  Each time, thinking, well this is simple, but then having to go back to read again).  It said I needed 14 medium tomatoes.  I had about 100 extra large so..... looks like my parents would not be hurting for lycopene this winter!  Anyway, directions said to blanch the tomatoes and take the skin off.

This is where Mrs Wages and I disagree.  The packet says to stick the whole tomato in the water, then core it.  Nonsense, listen to my mom on this one.  Cut out the bad spots (remember the bug plague in my garden) and the core, then put it in the water.  Way easier!

So, boil the water, put the tomatoes in, and wait until the skin is wrinkly.

 

  Sometimes it seemed like it took 30 seconds, and sometimes 10 minutes, so let's average and say 3 minutes?  Remember, I'm German.  You can't blame me for not knowing how long to blanch tomatoes for salsa.

Step 7: Get the tomatoes to a smaller size, somehow.

Once that is done, the skin should peel right off, and if you have already cored them, they are ready to slice.  How do you slice something that is slightly fibrous yet mushy?  I still don't know.  I say just get them to a smaller size because some will be slices, some will be cubes, and some will just be a mashed up tomato.  First I tried my handy tomato knife and a cutting board.  All the juice ran off into the kitchen, and as you can tell, I'm no salsa expert, but I think you want the juice in the pot.  So, I used my hand.  Don't use a sharp knife and you palm as the cutting board.  Just don't.  So, I opted for a butter knife.  This worked better, provided you didn't take a tomato that was fresh out of the pot.  Turns out they get hot inside also...

Not going to lie, was kinda fun though.

Step 8: Personalize it

We decided to make the little packet our own, and add some fresh garlic, onions, and other random spices.   Now I can tell people it's my recipe!

Step 9: Cook it
Reading the directions like 14 times you think I'd remember how long you do this for, but you are just going to have to buy your own pack.  You add the tomatoes, your personalization, some vinegar, and the packet contents, then boil.   It is at this point that I split the batch up into two pots, one for the mild salsa, and one to add my chili peppers. 

This step was full of lessons. 

1.  Use a ladle.  Let me repeat, USE A LADLE.  Do not pour cooked mushed tomatoes.  Resist the urge.  Spend the effort to bend over, open the cupboard, and get out the ladle.  USE A LADLE. No matter how talented you think you are, it will splash.  It will splash on you.  And if you are a laundry putter offer like me, then it will be a constant reminder at your salsa attempt.  This led to lesson 2.
2.  Don't wear white.  Even if you use a ladle (which you will because you NEED to follow number 1), still don't wear it.  Wear red, that will put you in the mood for a salsa fiesta and camouflage any rouge tomato splashes. 
3.  If you are not a spicy person, find someone to test your spicy salsa.  Don't assume that 3 peppers isn't enough.  Sure, they are little, but they aren't called mild super hot chili peppers, or just plan hot chili peppers.  Whoever named these little red devils knew what they were talking about.  I'm not a spicy person, but lots of people in my family are.  So when I cut up the peppers to put into the spicy batch, I didn't think to have someone test it until the 6th pepper was in.  Cori agreed it was a bit spicy...
4.  Don't cut up the chili peppers with bare hands.  If you learn anything from this salsa making attempt, make it this.  Wear gloves.  Especially if you picked the tomatoes that day, and are slightly sensitive to the garden.  My skin gets kinda red and irritated from the plants, and being dry already, they got worse.  I wish I wore gloves, but I didn't.  I felt my hands get a little tingly and sore in spots, but didn't think much of it.  However, at some point after cutting them up, (like 30 minutes later) I blew my nose.  I returned to the kitchen to wash my hands, and started back on the salsa making.  I sniffed in, and wow.... my nose, inside and out, was on FIRE.  It hit me then.... wear gloves.

 

Salsa making was the last thing on my mind.  Getting the burning to stop was all I could think about.  First I put an ice pack on my nose and hands.  That worked, for a few minutes, but once my skin got as cold as it was going to get, it no longer helped.  So to google I went.  Ever heard of drinking milk after eating something spicy to counteract it?  Well, when I read that placing sour cream on your skin had the same effect, I was not too ashamed to smoother my face and hands in it. 

 And Cori wasn't laughing too hard to grab a picture (almost, but she wanted to preserve this moment for our experience.)

This picture needs to stay in your mind.  WEAR GLOVES. (but, it totally works...)

Step 10: Store

I have no pictures of the finished product, since the salsa sat in the pots until late that night when the burning stopped.  However, I went the simple route and placed them in Ziploc freezer bags (via a ladle of course...).  Why didn't you can, you ask?  Can I can?  No, I can't.  (let me pause while I laugh... okay).  But really, I have no clue how.  That's the truth.  And let's be honest, do I really need to be adding glass and more boiling water into the disaster that is me in the kitchen?  "It's easy!" Some say.  Have you seen me cook?  Nothing in the kitchen just happens for me.

Step 11: Do the Tango Senorita, you made salsa!

The next day I sampled, and I have to admit, it wasn't bad. 

Did it turn out like I had imagined it in my head?  No, not at all. In fact, the only thing that my salsa garden dream and reality had in common was I ended up with salsa (barely).  Oh well, it doesn't depend on how you got there, just that you do.  

Obviously, this wasn't all that helpful of a "how to" on salsa making.  But I did end up with salsa, so it can't be too far off!

I can now add salsa making under my list of "dones" in life.  Will it be under the "regular" category, probably not  (funny thing, I don't even care for salsa that much, ha!) but I gave it a shot, and now, with my handy directions, you can too!

However, if you want to know real salsa making, and real canning, go to Kim's blog, she actually knows what she is doing.

http://kimmckinney.blogspot.com/

Brent and Kim have been canning it up with all of their tomatoes.  If you visit them this year, you will be eating salsa, spaghetti, chili, or something else red.

Onto my next adventure, picking up pipe with papa!